Because using gloves (or, you know, QUITTING) is just too much work.

It appears these items are no longer in stock--either because they were incredibly popular or incredibly unpopular. Based on the fact that those positive reviews are all mockery reviews, I'd guess the latter.

Find 'em at amazon.com.

Somehow, I think liking the movie Passion of the Christ and having a dancing Jesus at your birthday are in totally different ballparks.

Also: if you have a pre-existing photo of you dressed as Jesus, all I have to say is...what the heck, man? What. The heck.

OR...you could spend that $50+ to just go out to, you know, an ACTUAL nice restaurant...

Recently, we featured candles with such scents as musty basement, blood, and decomposed body. Ridiculous, no?

Wouldn't you rather have your home have the comforting scent...of bulldog? That's right, folks. All the smell of a dog without the work or joy! And don't worry, it's clean-burning soy. 

Get yours at storenvy.com. 

I've never spoken to a recycling plant, but somehow I don't imagine that "brok lazy boys" are on the top of their list for scrap metal production. 

All I can say is...why? Why is this necessary? Just put on some socks. 

GOTTA HAVE 'EM?! Keysocks.com. Shop your heart out. 

FREE MONEY!

ONLY for men? No money for women? Those sexist...oh, wait.

I guess if you can't have money, the next best thing is smelling like it? Even though it's been proven that 99% of all money contains traces of feces and cocaine...hey, that's the price of smelling rich!

photo credit: smosh.com

For only $33, you too can protect your Chupa Chups (and no, that's not innuendo). You never know when you might need an emergency Chupa Chups, so keep one of these bad boys on you at all times, and you'll ensure yours is never broken.

View many more completely unnecessary candy cases at sweetd-life.com

Just a little danger...

Do you live...for excitement? Risk?! DANGER?!

(And a good deal, of course.)

Then TWOC has the stuff for you!

Sure, it failed to open on the last jump, and was so terrifying that the previous owner stopped skydiving. But once it was RECOVERED FROM THE BODY, it was fixed, so now we're sure...well, 57% sure...that it's fine. It's fiiiiine...

This surgery is so simple, even a man with a cyst could do it -- but not a man with a headache. What could possibly go wrong?

It's fine. It's fiiiiine.

Maybe you're just looking to add a tiny whiff of danger to your life, though. 

Perhaps a blood-scented candle from sickwix.com? Bloody charm knife included! Choose from many styles (baby in a jar, anyone?) and great scents such as musty basement or creepy old hospital!

You're welcome.

Oh, friends! Forgive me! We have had terrible internet problems...then we lost power...then more internet problems (boooo, Comcast boo). But don't worry, we are here! 

Let's talk about quality of life for a minute here. When you think of all the time you waste on mundanities...it's really very sobering. But there is help.

With this handy little device from homedepot.com, you will never again have to exert energy on egg cracking.

Or perhaps you're looking to go in the other direction. Perhaps you'd like to simplify; you've seen those "tiny houses" and thought, hey, yeah, I could do that! Look no further, my friends.

Pampering yourself can increase your quality of life as well. And so does a little risk.

Can I say, I love how the writer of this jokes about rubbing it on a stranger's feet, like, "How crazy would someone have to be to actually WANT that?!" Welcome to Craigslist, ma'am...

Community is a huge factor in leading a full life. Maybe you need a friend to talk to, laugh with, or...draw your face on a balloon??

Thank you, and good night!

Strange Animals

When I first read this surfer-laced post, I thought for sure it was just an attempt to drum up interest. There's no such thing as a cool rooster, right? But then, I looked at the photos, and I've got to say, I was impressed.

This man may literally have the chillest rooster ever. Even if he is a little high.

On the same theme of taking a closer look, my knee-jerk reaction to this next post was, "What? He has a groundhog (?) named Wiggles who has an entire couch as a toy?!" (ahem, loveseat. Excuse me.) But after looking at the supporting pics, all weirdness was absorbed by how impossibly cute Wiggles was.

This one has to be my favorite. How does he get so flat??

At this point, you're probably saying to yourself, "So what? Now it's all cuteness and rainbows? What happened to the strange?"

Trust me. There is more strange.

For me, it's really the in-depth description that does it. Also, doesn't sheer humiliation of the duck count as improper care? I love the part where it says they will be "gently secured" into a model train set. Yeah...

You want weirder, you say?

Not recommended for houses with small children OR ANIMALS?! What kind of irony is this??

And finally, from our friends at lamebook.com...

You never know when you might need some!

Here's to the ladies...

Our first lady of the day is STR8 CHILLIN, and all she wants is to go ALL OVER TOWN, BABY! Oh, but only if you're not Irish. Gross.

If I were a man, I wouldn't even need to click through on this one to know that it's probably not going to work out...

Our third woman of the day is a little less descriptive, but just as reel. And from the very reel town of...muroevile?

And finally, ladies: what we all dream of. A white knight in shining armor, to swoop in and prevent our feet from the terrible discomfort of having to rest on the floor.

While innocently looking on amazon.com, I stumbled across this little beauty. 

I have no words. I comment only with this image from inside the book.

But perhaps you have a different kind of cat. Perhaps your cat is less into dancing, and prefers something more...extreme? Then a severed limb toy from LifeWithTigers at etsy.com may be right up his alley!

For more, slightly less SFW (ahem) kitty play things, you should probably check out these toys from MeowADays.

Mmmm...at Walmart and loading kitty litter into the car? Me-ow!

And now, a throw back (already!) to our last mistaken cat-dentity. If you are unsure of an animal's species, google it. Actually...maybe you should google it if you think you know, too. Because apparently you can be pretty sure of something and still be wrong.

 

 I stumbled across this fantastic money maker this week. 101 HAVE SOLD. Do the math, people, do the math.

I'm sure these are used most frequently in "innocent pranks..."

Photo courtesy of ebay.com.

But if figuring out how to open, tamper with, and reseal pregnancy tests is too much work for you, you could just sell...well, see for yourself.

Photo courtesy of ebay.com.

For all you "purist" moms out there, who will only let the finest products touch their baby's skin, here's one that's sure to be a hit, from YoursInSoap at etsy.com.

And, to cap it all off, a post from our old faithful, craigslist.com. Why shell out for those expensive pregnancy pillows when you could just do this?!

Is your bathroom time too ORDINARY?

Do you believe even your poop should GLITTER LIKE THE MORNING SUN?

Is no price too high for you to resolve this GLARING issue?

Look no more!

Yes, these will make your poops glitter. Photo credit to citizen-citizen.com.

Or perhaps you're looking for a deal on dog urns? Perhaps lightly used is the way to go! As long as you don't mind oily, mysterious coatings or unceremoniously tearing off the name of another pet.

If you're looking for an urn, I'm guessing you're looking for a new pet. Here's one that will keep you from ever dealing with loss again.

But act fast, because it appears they go quickly!

This looks like one of those hidden item games where you have to find things to solve the murder.

Which means a murder probably occurred here. Don't look for a body, just grab the microwave and go.

All photos credited to craigslist.org unless otherwise noted.

My first (anonymous) submission!

Wait, is THAT what I'm supposed to use that for?! 

Photo credit amazon.com.


This is probably my favorite post today. Mostly because it's so close to the truth that it hurts. 

Stop the madness. Stop. 

I was planning on buying a 2010 Banana, but this is a tough offer to pass up...

Aint nothin lik a squrl debubbler aparetus to liven up yer next bonfier!

Perhaps "rectified" wasn't the best choice of words here...

All photos from craigslist.org unless otherwise noted.